What is Positive Masculinity?
What is the difference between Positive Masculinity and Toxic Masculinity?
Is it okay to be masculine?
When you get older, you mature, and you start liking flowers. Although I try and keep it manly
– David Beckham
We’ve all heard the phrase “toxic masculinity”. I’m sure most of us have been accused of it by someone just for being a man.
The fact that the phrase toxic masculinity has been hijacked by the feminist movement and its meaning twisted to become a weapon that attacks men has been… infuriating.
Toxic masculinity
Let’s start with the ACTUAL meaning of the phrase before we continue.
Toxic masculinity is traditional expectations of men’s behavior that negatively affect men’s mental health.
The most common behavior of toxic masculinity is the idea that real men don’t cry or real men don’t show emotion.
Many boys and young men are taught not to show vulnerability with anyone. So we suppress any emotions we have which leads to them eating us on the inside. Men have to suffer in silence.
What’s worse? Even grown men who grew up showing emotions and being vulnerable get beat down into keeping their pain hidden.
It’s too dangerous to share our pain when it’s used against us so often. I’ve heard hundreds of examples that a man opens up to his girlfriend or wife or even a close friend who happens to be a woman. Only for his words to be thrown back at him to hurt him. So he learns to never open up again.
Then there’s the stereotype that masculinity means being aggressive. If you’re not the toughest guy around, that somehow makes you less of a man. This is a very damaging mindset.
Not all of us were born tall or muscular. Not all of us WANT to be a muscular macho man. The notion that this makes you less of a man is outrageous. We don’t need to be chest beating men to be manly.
There are plenty of nerdy guys who are still masculine
Men have it hard. But we’re not allowed to talk about that.
But what can we do?
I’d like to discuss with you what positive masculinity means.
Positive masculinity
There’s no doubt being a man is hard. Even harder nowadays where just the fact you’re born a man is somehow cause for criticism.
But I am proud to be a man. I am proud of myself and what I have accomplished. It took a long time to look at my masculinity and be happy about myself.
Positive masculinity is pretty straightforward. It is behaviors of men that have a positive effect on our mental health and society as a whole.
Men are protectors. The need to defend our loved ones is an example of positive masculinity.
The fact is, violence will always be apart of life. With 8 billion people in the world. There will be plenty of evil people with bad intentions. You can’t “peace and love” your way out of everything.
What about the men (and women) who become firefighters? Who put their own lives in danger to save others. I’ve heard some people say incredibly ignorant things like, “that’s their jobs”
So? First of all. They are still risking their lives to help others. If the fire department thinks there is still someone in a burning building, they will rush in to bring them out if they can. Some even dying in the process.
Oh! And do you know how many firefighters are paid? Roughly 35%. Are you hearing me? 65% of firefighters in the United States are volunteers. Do they get paid? Not really. Volunteer firefighters tend to get a stipend to reimburse them for their uniform and gear.
How about an example where I had to be the masculine protector with no bad guy in the situation?
When I was a teenager, I was walking with my girlfriend at the time and my best friend and his girlfriend at the time. I live in Alaska that has some scary wildlife. One of the scariest animals is moose. Moose are not like deer. For those unfamiliar with moose, I like to equate them with an angry bull.
A full grown momma moose can be close to 1,000 pounds. And they will fight anything that harms their babies.
So when we were walking through the woods. We saw a moose. A very common sight. Normally you give them a wide berth and leave them alone. We did just that.
HOWEVER, what we did not see was two baby moose that were hiding in the woods. While trying to avoid said momma moose, we accidentally walked toward her babies. She charged us.
Even as a teen I was an experienced outdoorsman. Camping and hunting since I was five. But taking on a moose head to head? A creature bigger than a horse? I was not prepared for that.
But there we were, two boys and two girls being chased through the woods by a 1,000 pound momma moose trying to stomp us to death in the defense of her children.
With no hesitation, I told my buddy to get the girls to safety and I charged at that moose. I screamed to get her attention, dodging at the last moment to and using the trees as cover because a moose is too large to be that maneuverable. I kept her attention while my loved ones made it to safety before making my escape.
Could I have died? Yes. I was 17 years old, scrawny, unarmed, and a little stupid. But there were people in danger and I was the best chance to get us out alive.
If you’re wondering how I knew it was a momma moose with babies, we ran into another friend of mine who also liked the outdoors. He and I later tracked the moose after everyone was safe. Followed her prints to find her lying down with two calfs.
At the time, we were exercising a very common practice around moose. Give a wide berth and don’t make sudden movements. Usually we leave each other alone and have no issues.
That was one example of positive masculinity. Sorry if it was a little long.
Another example is showing people mutual respect. A man should give respect to everyone first. Be respectful and not entitled. Be respectful until you have a reason not to be. That is the example you should set for others. A positive masculine man does not demand respect because he exists. He is respectful to those around him.
Don’t take disrespect either. You are not weak because you show respect. It’s good to be the bigger person. And I often encourage that. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. When you are being kind and respectful and someone chooses to be an ass to you. Sometimes you’re not going to turn the other cheek.
I encourage people to call out others for their bad behavior. Don’t get me wrong, you will end up in a few confrontations if you do that. Conflict is a fact of life. We live in an age where punching someone in the face for being a jerk could end with you in jail. So we avoid conflict to protect ourselves.
But don’t allow evil people to tread on innocent people. How many times have you seen some poor minimum wage worker getting verbally harassed by an entitled person? Probably a lot. So now I call them out because that employee wants to keep their job so they just take the abuse. Unacceptable.
Shame the entitled person. Ask them loudly if they think yelling at people is acceptable behavior. Ask them if their behavior is necessary.
What’s another example of positive masculinity? What about courage? Courage is very difficult for some. The bravery to do the right thing, even when the whole world tells you you’re wrong.
The courage to go against the crowd, to stick to your code of honor even when it’s difficult. No one wants to feel like an outcast. And sometimes the whole world tells you your way of thinking is wrong.
I’m proud to be a man. I’m proud to be masculine. I will never apologize for being manly and I will encourage all men to do the same.
The male gender has done incredible things. We are NEEDED.
Understand me. Women are just as important. I am not one to talk down or be overly critical of women.
As men, it is our responsibility to lift up those around us. Not tear others down because we’re hurt.
Being a man is hard. But it’s not a competition. Don’t have an us vs them mentality. It doesn’t matter which gender has it harder. We have our own struggles. As an individual, it is your job to help yourself first, so you can help your fellow human beings.
But I get it. When we talk about how tough men have it, we’re attacked. It’s easy to become bitter or resentful. But you have the potential to do so much more. Be the best man you can be and help me raise others up.
Please share stories of your struggles. I’m always an open ear.
And please share stories of the good you’ve done because you’re a man.
You got this.
