How to Be a Man

What does it mean to “Be a man”? How many of you have been told to man up? And how the hell are you supposed to even DO that? Do I work out? Do I start watching sports? I mean, I’m a pretty nerdy guy. I’m overweight with long hair and glasses, I play video games, watch anime, and I play Dungeons of Dragons almost weekly (when there isn’t scheduling conflicts).

I was bullied a lot as a child. I was a very skinny nerd in the 90’s so I was slightly too early for being a nerd to be cool. Then when I turned 18, my metabolism slowed and I gained weight too fast. I also had a lot of male figures growing up that would tease me. I fell into the trap of feeling like I had to change who I am to be a man. But is that really the right decision?

I can tell you this much. Not being myself was when I was the most miserable person in the world. So how do we “Be Men” without compromising who we are?

Being Confident and Unapologetic

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions

– Leonardo da Vinci

When I say to be unapologetic, I mean don’t apologize for being yourself. I believe a real man knows when to say they’re sorry.

Now I know what you might be thinking. “How do I just suddenly ‘be confident’?” Which is a fair question. I myself suffered from a low self-esteem. Some days I still do. But what I’ve learned over the years is sometimes you have to fake the confidence. I have an outfit or two that makes me feel good about myself. I wear it and just FEEL good. It’s usually a good first step.

I’d also like to share with you a little trick I learned from playing Dungeons & Dragons. See, in D&D, you’re creating this made-up character to play. I view each character I’ve created as their own person living their own life. They don’t suffer from low self-esteem. So, when you approach life, try to view how you might act without your self-esteem holding you back. Create your own character and wear him like a mask.

Now the hardest part for some people. Being confident and unapologetic is most effective when you’re not concerned with how others see you. But we all know that’s easier said than done. Many of us want validation from friends, family, or peers. It can feel like a monumental task not craving it.

The first part is understanding that nobody can read your mind. If you’re pretending to be a confident man, no one will know you’re faking it. And after faking it for so long, eventually you won’t be faking it anymore. Project who you are out into the world and let other’s opinions of you bounce off. They can’t see into your mind, only what you share with the world.

Share with the world who you are. Whether you’re a happy person or a sad person, share what makes you who you are. When you’ve done that, the next step is to try and surround yourself with people who accepts you for being you. Not everyone in the world is going to like you. So don’t change who you are for those people. Please, never apologize to ANYONE for being yourself.

Being Reliable

Men must know their limitations

– Clint Eastwood

Humans are social creatures. Unless you live a solitary life in the middle of nowhere, you are going to have to interact with other humans. Being a man often entails being someone those around us can count on.

Many men need to feel like we’re a part of something greater than ourselves. We need challenges to propel us forward. Obstacles to overcome. Part of that is being there for our friends and loved ones. So when someone we care for needs our help, we as men should do the best we can.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to be a doormat or allow someone to take advantage of you. If you’re struggling too much yourself, or maybe you’re genuinely unable or unwilling to help, then don’t. But you should let them know you can’t.

It’s important to be selfless when we can afford to. When a friend or family member is struggling, I will be there for them if I can. We men are capable of great things. We can push through the stress of life and get things done when we need to. Especially when someone else needs us to. But we are still human, we do fall apart. And it’s a real challenge when someone relies too heavily on us.

Your body and mind is a machine. It needs proper maintenance to function properly. If you don’t eat for too long, you’ll collapse, don’t drink enough fluid and you’ll die. But your mind is equally if not more important. Your thoughts, emotions, your mood? They don’t emerge out of thin air. Your brain is a physical thing that can be pushed too far.

Imagine you’re in a car and you have someplace to be. The vehicle is low on coolant and I mean LOW. If you drive without filling it up, the engine will heat up, and all sorts of things can go wrong. That engine needs to be maintained if you want to rely on that car getting you places. If you ignore the warning signs, that car is going to fail, it’s going to burn out, and it will be costly to fix. Your brain is your engine. But we are incapable of swapping our brain for a better one. Keep it maintained and your loved ones can still rely on you.

Being Calm

You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

– Marcus Aurelius

Being a real man isn’t being loud and obnoxious. Being aggressive to those around you doesn’t make you manly. When chaos swirls around you, the best thing you can do is remain calm.

When people trigger you to be emotional, you give them power. They control you because you can’t control yourself.

Again, I know that’s easier said than done. People can be cruel. Sometimes worse, they can be stupid. We all know what it’s like to argue with someone who is so obviously wrong but will not budge or see someone else’s point of view.

I was a security guard for 10 years. In places with a lot of drunks, druggies, and homeless. People got in my face constantly. Said horrible things to get a rise out of me. But I never let them get to me.

The hardest lesson for some men is to know when to walk away from a loud obnoxious person. But to be a real man, you need to let all that go. Let them yell, let them curse, let them laugh in your face. Just walk away. If they say something horrible about you and you lash out, what does that prove? Lashing out at someone else words is just proving that you are weak of mind.

Now, don’t misunderstand. I am not saying take the abuse. You can walk away. Anytime. Or if you’re unable to leave, try and tune them out. Hell, go ahead and verbally jab back if you feel like it. But be careful. After all, you’re arguing with a weak minded person.

Actions however, actions are not something you should easily ignore. No one should put their hands on you if you don’t deserve it. I talked about jabbing back. But there are consequences. Insult a weak man and you might provoke him to violence.

I got in a lot of fights as a teen. I never started those fights. That was a rule my dad gave me. Never be the first to throw hands. I took the verbal abuse and ignored it. But when you ignore a bully, they get frustrated and try to escalate things.

I’d start with a warning. Tell them don’t touch me. If that didn’t work, start walking away. Of course they may pursue you. Even so, don’t attack first. If they touch you, push their hand away. That might be enough to make them back off.

If that doesn’t, they might grab or hit you. How you handle that next is up to you. Just know there are always consequences. I didn’t win all my fights. A couple times I was soundly beaten. And it hurt a lot. But sometimes violence is the only option to get people to leave you alone.

I hope you never find yourself in that situation. Just remember to stay calm as long as you can. When the world rages around you, be still until it passes. You control your own mind. Don’t give that control to anyone else.

With these suggestions in mind, I hope you discover for yourself how to be your own man. You are on a journey quite different from me. What works for me may not work for you.

Please, share with me your own thoughts and opinions. Tell me some stories you wish to share. Or ask a question if you’re open to advice. We may be on our own journeys, but that doesn’t mean we can help each other.